Rest in Peace Marauders
by kasviel
Summary: SLASH FINISHED I wrote this after Book Five. It is in no way related to my other HP fics, just a stand-alone story based more on the book series. It's about James and Sirius; Sirius' last reminiscence of James before he dies. Sweet, sad, with some smut th
1. Prologue

Rest in Peace, Marauders  
  
Author's Notes: Book 5 made me really, really want to do this. Why? I don't even know. I hate the Marauders. But oh well....  
  
Prologue: Tell Me Why....  
  
Christmas is coming. I'm sure all over Hogwarts, students are bustling back and forth, watching the castle being decorated, Some are going home, some are going to friends' homes, some are staying with friends in the castle. Harry will stay in the castle. Harry will stay because old Dumbledore says he'll stay. Harry will stay because it's too dangerous. Harry won't risk his neck to come here, oh no....Harry's not safe unless he's right under Dumbledore's nose.  
  
Alone in 12 Grimauld Place, Sirius was sitting on the edge of a window on the second floor. This had been his bedroom, decorated by his family of course. A bed still sat, unslept on for over twenty years, dressed in fine black and grey silk sheets. Cobwebs hung in the corners, family emblems were embellished over the mantle, on the bedsheet corners. Sirius was a lone figure on the window sill against the moonlight, all his shaggy black hair gleaming dully. He kicked at the side of the window frame moodily, raising the bottle of firewhisky to his lips. He took a long swig, and then exhaled slightly, his breath visible in the cold night air.  
  
James would take the risk. James would somehow sneak away from Hogwarts....well, he'd sneak away from anywhere to find me. He'd never leave me alone for the Christmas season, never. He'd have......he'd have....been here...  
  
Sirius' eyes glistened. His chest felt heavy and hollow, and he had to close his eyes to try and shut out the pain. It wasn't enough, he stooped over slightly, chest tightening more.  
  
James.....  
  
Sirius drew a deep breath and let it out in short pants.  
  
James, why couldn't you be here? You'd do anything, anything to be with me.....everything....  
  
He lifted his face, black hair hanging around it. The lines in his face seemed to be etched from pain, from long years of suffering. His dark eyes were moist with unshed tears, tears he was too proud still to let fall. His brows furrowed in a deep frown.  
  
You'd do anything....except leave Lilly. That's it, isn't it? You don't care about me anymore.....You're happy, even in death, because you have Lilly. Lilly....she was all you ever needed once you two finally got together. You started dressing better, started.....started.....spending more time with her, acting like Head Boy should act.....yes, all for Lilly, and that's why you're gone with her.....  
  
Sirius sighed, sitting up against the window frame. His heavy boot kicked against the other side of the frame again. He exhaled again, and put his forearm over his eyes.  
  
I always liked Evans....she was all right, as far as girls go. Pretty and all, smart too. But nice....so nice and so normal. I guess if you want a good wife, that's how it is. I did like Lilly, and I was so happy for you when you finally got together. But....somewhere inside.....God, it hurt so much. I was losing you, James. I lost you then. Everything just....changed....  
  
Sirius turned his face now, staring out into the night sky.  
  
"You left me for her, mate," he said softly. "I guess it's only normal, isn't it? Yea', normal.....to fall in love with a girl, try to please her, even change yourself to please her....grow up to make her happy.....mature to meet her level....Normal. But I just.....I'm sorry, Evans, I just.....wish.....things could've stayed the way they were. You know? The Marauders forever. I know it's not your fault, it's that Pettigrew git and Voldemort who messed things up, but.....I don't know, Evans. It seems....ever since you and James.....ever since then, everything was just....well.....downhill....wasn't it?"  
  
Sirius sighed and shook his head. "What am I saying? It's silly. People can't be kids forever. It was the Dark Side that messed everything up. If you two were still alive and there'd been no Dark Times, we'd still be friends, wouldn't we? We'd still torture old Snape and go prowling on full moon nights.....hang out in Hogsmeade, all the old places....wouldn't we? James? It could've been, right, James?"  
  
Sirius covered his eyes with his hand. From beneath his heavy hand, tears slid down his face. "How'd we get this far?" he asked, trying to keep his voice from breaking. "I met you, and we hit it off right then....and....we grew up together, we shared everything.....and then it was all gone. Everything was gone." He hit the sill with his fist. "Why? Why'd everything have to go? Why'd everything have to end, James? I loved you so much, James....I....why couldn't....couldn't it have been us that died together? I would have, you know I would have. It would have been better than this. I miss you, James....I miss you.....no one can ever take your place....even your own son doesn't quite measure up....."  
  
Unbeknownst to Sirius, he was being watched. Remus Lupin had come in, unnoticed, and hadn't had the nerve to interrupt. He lingered in the shadowy corner of the room, frowning deeply. He drew a breath after Sirius' last statement.  
  
You've stayed the same, Sirius, he thought. My God, I hadn't realized it. I thought Azkaban hadn't had an effect on you, thought you'd been strong enough to defeat it completely. But no....it's destroyed you, hasn't it? Azkaban and James' death....you feel like a shadow, Sirius. A shadow of a boy who once lived, who once laughed. Tears and tears, and you've become this. Oh, Sirius, I was so mistaken....I'm sorry, I should have seen it...your mind stayed stuck at the point where everything stopped. You're still.....that young man.....inside....a child almost....lost child alone...  
  
"WHO'S THERE?!"  
  
Remus jumped. "U-um....me...."  
  
Sirius was on his feet, both fists clenched. He squinted into the darkness, spotted Remus, and lowered his fists; however, his face remained stony. "What is it, Remus?" he asked gruffly.  
  
"Was going to tell you I'm back for at least a day or two," Remus said, trying to sound cheerful. "I thought you could use the company."  
  
Sirius was silent for a moment, a few bitter thoughts running through his mind. Remus shifted on his feet, and the sound brought Sirius' eyes to him. Finally, he smiled weakly. "Right," he said. "Company....James used to say that, he said, 'As long as you've got company, Sirius--' "  
  
"--'you'll be a happy devil,' " Remus finished. He laughed a little. "He said that when he got married. He was always worried about you then. He knew you'd miss him."  
  
Sirius gave a bitter, bark-like laugh. "And miss him I did, didn't I? I'd lost him then." He contemplated this, and then hastily added, "Not to say I wasn't happy, of course....for him and Lilly..."  
  
"No, I understand."  
  
Sirius glanced at him sadly. "Do you?" He shook his head. "No, Remus, I....I don't think you really could. No one could. You were James' friend and all, but.....no one really loved him or understood him the way I did. I know it's presumptious of me to say, but it's the truth. We were like.....like the gold and the crimson on our Gryffindor scarves. Like a Snitch and a Seeker. Like....like a werewolf and the full moon..."  
  
Remus flinched. "Now, Sirius...."  
  
Sirius laughed. "Sorry, Remus old mate.....never did get out of the habit of telling those jokes."  
  
"....Never did get out of any old habits, did you then?" Remus asked softly.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Sirius...." Remus approached him slowly, taking his time to look around the room as he spoke. "Sometimes I think you haven't changed at all since those days."  
  
Sirius looked at him blankly. "Why would I change?"  
  
"Because times have changed." Remus finally met Sirius' gaze. "No matter how much you want the past to live on, and believe me so do I, it can't. Do you....understand?" He surveyed Sirius with caution. "We all have to move on, change with time.....grow up."  
  
Sirius' eyes flashed. "What are you on about, Remus?" he asked, voice beginning to sound snarly. "James? You're saying because James is dead, everything we were, everything we stood for, it has to die too?"  
  
"Yes!" Remus exclaimed. "Sirius, we're adults. We can't stand for rebellion and fun anymore, it'd be too dangerous. We've all grown up, Sirius. Snape, bitter as he is, has a job and some sort of life. I manage my best. Dumbledore is focused on the new generation of students. It's a new era, Sirius."  
  
"So what are you saying?!" Sirius snapped. "I should roll over and let what's left of my spirit just die, then?! That's it? I couldn't exactly 'move on', if you remember correctly, Lupin! Bit hard to start a new life in Azkaban, wouldn't you say?"  
  
"I know....I know, and that's why I'm telling you to do so now--"  
  
"HOW CAN I?!" Sirius roared, throwing aside a chair as he approached Remus stalkingly. He grabbed Remus by the front of his shabby robes. "How can I live?! I'M STILL IN PRISON, REMUS! Look at me! Look around! THIS IS NO BETTER THAN AZKABAN!"  
  
Remus did not flinch under his shouts. "I'm know it, Sirius, I know it," he said firmly, frowning. "I'm not talking about starting a new social life or whatever you think I'm saying. I'm speaking of your mind, Sirius. You must stop mourning James. You must stop.....trying to see him in Harry."  
  
Sirius shook Remus. "What the hell do you know about anything anyway?!" he seethed. "You don't understand! You don't understand how it is to have everything, your entire life, snatched away from you in an instant! Freedom, friendship, people, all gone! Gone and dead! Dead again and again and again, dying over and over before the Dementors' touch! You couldn't bring yourself to imagine the pain, Lupin! You never even understood James, not like I did! I LOVED HIM, YOU DIDN'T!"  
  
"I did! Now get off!" Remus said sternly, pushing Sirius off. "I could never understand the torture of Azkaban, I'll admit that. I didn't love him as you did, I admit it as well. But I do love you, Sirius."  
  
Sirius was still frowning, but interest sparked in his eyes.  
  
"I love you, you're all I have left," Remus said softly. "And I understand how you loved James, because I love you just the same! You're my world now, all I have left, my only last friend. And so I'm telling you....not to hurt you, Sirius. Never to hurt you." He touched Sirius' hand. "But to help you, Sirius. I wish to help you, so I don't end up losing another close friend, my last...dear friend...."  
  
Sirius turned his face, tears streaking it again. When he looked back at Remus, he saw that he was crying as well. So, the pain was there all around. Hollowed up inside himself, he'd never realized anyone else's suffering, but it was there. Everyone that was touched by those times, everyone.....so much pain....so much loss....  
  
"I'm scared, Sirius," Remus said now. He drew a shuddery breath. "You're coming apart at the seams. It's as if nothing can stop the pain in you, as if you.....you want to die sometimes just to find James again. Lilly loved him, yes, but you loved him first. You lost him twice. Once, when he found Lilly, and grew up. And again, when he died. I understand..."  
  
"No, no, no.....you don't." Sirius sank down onto his old bed, burying his face in his hands. "You couldn't. I loved him...."  
  
"So, tell me," Remus said softly. He sat down beside Sirius on the bed and touched his shoulder. "Tell me about it. You never have, really."  
  
"Didn't you deduce it all from watching us?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Well, I certainly remember how close you were, like twins almost." Remus ran a hand through his greying hair. "But I always felt that every September, I'd missed something. Every time you two spent vacation together, every time you'd be huddled talking together alone, the year you both started, being I started a year laterI.....I missed things, didn't I? Things only you two knew..."  
  
"Oh, the things you missed." Sirius laughed a little. He lifted his head and looked at Remus. "You'd like to know, would you?"  
  
"I think I would."  
  
"Fine...." Sirius' eyes sparkled, distant. "Fine, I'll tell you about James and myself, and all you missed. You'll see then why I say....only I understood James, that I loved him in a way....no one ever could."  
  
"Please do."  
  
"Well....I suppose I'd have to begin at the beginning....right when it all began....that rainy September night..."  
  
End of Prologue 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One: You Came Along  
  
"It wasn't exactly the meeting you probably have in mind. Well, I'll start at the start. I was eleven, happier than I'd ever been riding the Hogwarts Express to school. For the first time, I'd be away from home, and free to do whatever I'd like. No mother to shriek at me, no father to beat me for breaking the rules of the purebloods, no brother telling me how stupid I was, just myself and my peers. I was happy, eager to make friends and also enjoying the time alone. I found a coach early and settled in, bouncing a bit on the seats up and down. I didn't notice the scarf next to me at all.....and then suddenly as I was finally sitting still and staring out the window, someone burst into the compartment...."  
  
"Oy! What do you think you're doing here?"  
  
A small, wiry Sirius with silky black hair and huge, round eyes turned in his seat. Standing before the passing students in the hall, framed by the doorway, was a boy his age, equally thin and a smidge taller. He had wild black hair that stood on end and blazing green eyes. Sirius blinked at him.  
  
"Why shouldn't I be here?" he retorted.  
  
"This is my coach, Slytherin," the green-eyed boy said nastily, snatching up his scarf, which had fallen to the floor. "Gryffindor only. See?"  
  
"I didn't see anything," Sirius replied. "And I'm already here, so I think I'll stay."  
  
"Oh no you won't!" the other boy said haughtily. "I'm throwing you out, Slytherin. And you'd better listen to me, I'm James Potter."  
  
"I don't care who you are, and who says I'm Slytherin anyway?" little Sirius defended himself, arms crossed. "We haven't even been sorted yet."  
  
"You're a Black, of course you'll be Slytherin," James said presumptuously. "Your family is all Slytherin, and my family is all Gryffindor. So you see why you should leave?"  
  
"My family is Slytherin, but it doesn't mean I am!" Sirius said angrily, jumping to his feet. "You couldn't pay me to join that slimy house! I hate Slytherin, I hate the Dark Arts, and I hate being pureblood! I may be the only one in my family, but I'm every bit as much a blood traitor as your family is!"  
  
James looked at him for a moment. Sirius frowned cutely, mouth turned down between his chubby cheeks. James took a step towards him.  
  
"So, you're calling my family blood traitors, are you?" he asked gravely.  
  
"Yes!" Sirius replied fearlessly. "Yes, I am."  
  
"And yourself?"  
  
"Proudly!"  
  
James gave him a very stern look, and then his face cracked. He burst into laughter. Sirius, slightly befuddled, watched him, and then began laughing as well.  
  
"That's great!" James chuckled. "That's wonderful. We're all blood traitors!"  
  
"We are," Sirius agreed. "And I'm the worst!"  
  
"No, I am!"  
  
"I am!"  
  
"Tell you what." James stood straight, extending his hand. "We'll wreak havoc together in school and out, and when we graduate, we'll know who's the worst."  
  
Sirius grinned. "Deal."  
  
They shook hands.  
  
"I thought he was so cool. He was as ready as I was to attack slimy Slytherins and snotty purebloods, and once he realized I hated them as much as he did, we really got on. From that moment on, we were inseparable. The teachers may look back on memories of us fondly, but let me tell you, they weren't so fond of us then. We gave them hell all year long, and for all the years after that one! Ahh....but you remember the rest, Remus, you were there the very next year, and we were basically the same during that first year. Let me skip way ahead, to the biggest part you, and everyone else, never knew of....."  
*  
  
"Fifteen. I was fifteen, and sick of it. I don't know quite what did it. Being called a 'blood traitor' too many times, perhaps that last caning my father gave me for my ever-plummeting grades, or perhaps....that he gave me a worse one for defending James Potter.....whatever it was, once I could walk again, I ran. I ran and ran from this repulsive place until I couldn't run anymore. And I ended up....right on James' doorstep...."  
  
"Sirius?"  
  
Sirius, soaked from the swirling snow, was hanging onto the Potters' doorframe. His black hair fell all over his handsome face, and his eyes were sunken and had dark circles beneath them. James gaped at his friend, not really knowing what to say.  
  
"I....didn't know where to go," Sirius said with a sheepish grin. "Mind if I could just....maybe crash here for the night?"  
  
"Of course! Come in, mate," James said quickly, ushering him inside.  
  
Sirius stepped inside hesitantly, rubbing his cold arms. He looked around in wonder. The Potters were a pureblood family like his own, but their home didn't show a sign of darkness. The wood was warm and glowed in honey tones, there was clutter here and there, clothes thrown carelessly around. Sirius was taking care to wipe his boots on the doormat when James called his parents, who appeared instantly. Sirius' ears turned a little pink. He'd never came over before now, fearing they'd hate him for his name.  
  
"Oh, James, there you are," said James' mother, a pretty witch with a kind smile. "Dinner in a moment, dear, and--oh! And who is this now?"  
  
"This is Sirius," James said cheerfully. He clapped Sirius on the back. "Aren't you?"  
  
"Sirius Black," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Hullo. I, er.....just thought I might stay the....the night....if it's not trouble, of course. I don't mean to intrude."  
  
"Of course not, of course not," Mrs. Potter said, rushing forward to shake his hand. "No trouble at all, dear. Stay as long as you'd like."  
  
"Sirius Black, I was wondering when I'd meet you," Mr. Potter said, also shaking Sirius' hand. "You're all James talks about!"  
  
"Pleasure," Sirius said, ears still a bit pink. He glanced between both of them. "I don't.....I mean, I won't cause any trouble. I'm nothing like my family, really...."  
  
"Of course you'll cause trouble!" James said, slinging an arm around Sirius' shoulders. "But no more than I normally do, eh? Come on! Mum, I'm going to lend him some clothes, he's filthy. We'll be down for dinner in a bit."  
  
"Do hurry, James," Mrs. Potter said, the weariness in her tone showing James was often late.  
  
"Right!"  
  
And James happily dragged his friend upstairs. Sirius followed his quick pace, but couldn't help gazing around. It was beautiful. It was the most beautiful home he'd ever seen. Everything was warm and light, lit by more candles than he could count. No dead house elf heads lining the hall, no potion jars on shelves, nothing but odds and ends and decorations.  
  
"It's brilliant," Sirius breathed as they entered James' room. "Nothing's black or grey or dark at all!"  
  
James laughed. "Think I'd stand for darkness? Here." He tossed Sirius a clean pair of jeans and a fresh shirt. "What've you been doing? You look like a stray."  
  
"I'd say I am a stray," Sirius muttered. He lifted off his shirt and put on James'. They often swapped clothes in school, whenever one lost a tie or hadn't a clean shirt to wear. "Couldn't stand home anymore." He slid off his pants.  
  
James suddenly fell silent. Sirius glanced over his shoulder, and found he was staring at his legs. He blushed.  
  
"It's nothing," he mumbled.  
  
"That's not nothing," James said. He callously shoved Sirius into a wall and pulled his underpants up slightly. "Honestly, I've never seen so many lines."  
  
Sirius' face fell slightly, but he turned his face. "James, I wish you wouldn't do that. It's nothing, really."  
  
"Why this time?" James asked, still studying the bruises. He poked one, and Sirius yelped. "Sorry."  
  
"It doesn't matter why," Sirius said, his temper beginning to flare. "Get off." He pushed past James, tugging his underwear back down over the bruises. He knew it wouldn't make a difference, he was beaten right down to his thighs. "There's always a reason for him to hit me, isn't there?"  
  
"But why....." James crossed his arms. "He's never been quite that harsh, has he?"  
  
"It's two beatings you're seeing, mate," Sirius said bitterly. "One for grades, and the other.....well...." He hastily pulled on the pants. "He was insulting you. I just couldn't.....I mean, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all of it! So, I told him....I told him I'm your best friend, and he...." He shook his head. "Doesn't matter."  
  
"Defending me?" James asked, eyebrows raised. "You got those from defending me?"  
  
Sirius just shrugged. He stood up straight and began messing with his hair, looking in the mirror.  
  
"You didn't have to say anything, you know," James said quietly. "You could have just stayed shut."  
  
"Stay shut?" Sirius glanced at James' reflection in the mirror. "Stay shut and what? Denounce my friends by silence? Let my father think I'm his little puppet, befriending Slytherins? No thanks. I don't care how many beatings I get, I'll throw my Gryffindor colors around and praise my friends as much as I please."  
  
"No you won't."  
  
Sirius turned. "What?"  
  
"You won't do anything of the sort," James said firmly, "because you're not going back there."  
  
Sirius gave a sad smile. "Where am I going to go, James?" He shook his head. "I'd steal some money and light on out, but they'd just find me and have me arrested."  
  
"You don't need to steal anything," James told him. He put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "You'll have everything you need right here."  
  
"Here?"  
  
"You're moving in!" James announced. "You're staying here until we all graduate and move out on our own."  
  
"Are you kidding?" Sirius asked, eyes wide. "I couldn't stay here. I mean, I'd love to! But this is such a happy family, I'd...."  
  
"You'd what? Ruin it?" James laughed. "Don't be stupid! You'll only make it happier!"  
  
Sirius grinned. "You mean it? I can stay?!"  
  
"You are staying!" James told him. "As long as I'm alive, Sirius, you'll always have a place to go. So forget that stupid Dark house! This is your home now."  
  
Sirius' face lit with joy and he suddenly hugged James. James' glasses were knocked crooked, and he looked a bit surprised. But he smiled and embraced his friend back for a brief moment. Then, he held Sirius at arms' length.  
  
"All right, all right, no need to go all sappy," he said, looking awkward.  
  
"You'd be sappy too, if you were escaping prison!" Sirius defended himself, radiant with happiness.  
  
"I'm sure I would...."  
  
Their gazes met, and something odd passed between them. James smiled, but his brows were knit in a sort of worried/sympathetic frown. Sirius....poor Sirius. He couldn't even imagine living in a house of the Dark Arts, having to adhere to a plethora of rules or being beaten for breaking them. Over the years, though Sirius always tried to hide it, he'd seen many bruises on his friend. After every vacation, Sirius came back to school with eyes a little more dead than usual, and welts all across his backside. Before meeting him, James had never thought about the things children of most pureblood families had to go through, how strict their parents were. And here was Sirius, a beautiful young pureblood that could have charmed his way into any crowd he wanted, but choosing to rebel against his name, against the house he was supposed to have gone into, against his family. He was strong, James realized now, much stronger than many of his kind.  
  
James tousled Sirius' fine black hair, as if petting a dog, and then turned to the door. "Come on, let's go eat."  
  
Sirius followed along after him joyfully.  
  
"I hadn't thought it possible for us to get closer, but we did. I spent that Christmas holiday with him and his large family, and we all sang carols and sat around the fireplace and opened presents together. James whole family gave me something, and none of it had anything to do with the Dark Arts. I felt bad, not being able to give them anything, but they assured me my being James' friend was gift enough. And it seemed to be. James was happier than he was even at school. We spent so many days laughing and talking about nothing, joking about Snape and Quidditch and teachers. I don't think we got a single bit of homework done, but I didn't have to worry about my grades anymore. I was free from everything!  
  
"James watched me those days, too. His green eyes....there was something different there now. I didn't care, I was too busy being happy. But during the few days left of holiday after Christmas, he suddenly became a bit quiet. I found out why one afternoon when I stomped upstairs to his room with a snack from his mum...."  
  
"James?"  
  
James was sitting on his window seat, staring at a small, wrapped package in his hands. Sirius set aside the food and went over to him.  
  
"Got more presents to open, do you?" he laughed. "Always the popular one."  
  
"Not popular enough, it would seem," James quipped bitterly. He handed Sirius the package.  
  
"This is....this is to Lilly Evans, from you," Sirius observed, reading the tag. He shook it. "What's it? Why's it still here? Forgot to send it, didn't you?"  
  
"No," James said, his tone tense. "I did send it, that's just the thing! She sent it back." He turned to the window again. "Didn't even open it...."  
  
"Oh." Sirius stared at the box. "Well.....you know Evans. She's still mad over Snivellus. Doesn't like our hobby of picking on him very much."  
  
"She could've at least opened it," James said vehemently. "Like she's so perfect. She hates Snape too, I don't see why she defends him. Pitiful thing, Snape? I think not. She could have at least opened it...."  
  
Sirius was opening it. He slid the bow off and began tearing at the paper. James turned to him, eyes wide. In an instant, he snatched the box away. "What do you think you're doing?!"  
  
Sirius flinched. "I....."  
  
"Forget it! Just forget it!" James hurled the present out the window. "If Lilly won't have it, no one will!"  
  
Sirius' mouth was turned down. He glanced at the floor, looking like a scolded child. James turned back to him, and he exhaled.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Sirius forced himself to smile a weak smile. "S'allright," he mumbled. "I understand."  
  
"No, no....you don't understand," James said moodily. "You use girls for whatever pleasures you can get, you don't care about anyone."  
  
"I care about you."  
  
James looked at him. "I mean, you don't care about any girls."  
  
"Oh. Does someone have to be a girl to love them, though?"  
  
James stared at him.  
  
"....Never mind. That sounded funny." Sirius sat back in a chair, propping his bare feet up on a desk. He exhaled. "I just mean.....I know you want to get married and spawn little Potters and all, but you've got time, right? You don't need Evans yet. She'll come around in time, and you've both got lots of time. You got your friends, you got me.....just forget her for now."  
  
"I can't. I love her."  
  
"You want her, that's all," Sirius said bluntly. He threw a snitch up in the air and caught it. "Get someone else to play around with, and you'll forget all about her."  
  
"How can you be so cold?" James snapped. "Don't you love anyone?"  
  
"Women are just....well, it's natural to want to have sex, isn't it? But that's not love, that's just physical. I think.....love has nothing to do with sex, it's when you feel like a person is....everything to you. When you want to hang out with them all the time, when you're bored without them, when they're like an extra arm or something."  
  
".....You love me, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
James suddenly pulled Sirius' head back by the hair. Sirius' eyes widened as he stared up into his friend's face.  
  
"You sure it has nothing to do with sex?" James asked. "It goes hand in hand, Black. When you really love someone, you want them in all ways, including physically."  
  
Sirius' face colored. "You're trying to say I'm a-a--"  
  
"I'm not trying to say anything," James replied. He released Sirius. "You're a child, Black."  
  
Sirius sat up, rubbing his head. "What? Well, we're the same age..."  
  
"No, no." James shook his head. "You're not in love, you've never been. You don't understand it. You're a child. To you, love is still just innocent."  
  
"You're saying I'm naive?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Sirius did not know what to say. He turned his gaze down, staring at the Snitch in his hands. He did not like being insulted by James, because James was the only person he did not feel inclined to argue with. Suddenly, James had leaned him back, over the desk. Sirius blinked; it had happened so fast, he had to be sure it had. But there was James, his face so close they were almost kissing, his green eyes sparkling.  
  
"Maybe I should teach you, Black," James told him, "teach you all the aspects of true love. I've got nothing but time, like you said, and Evans isn't coming around any time soon, is she?"  
  
"G-guess not...." Sirius squirmed under James' grip on his wrists. He laughed nervously. " 'Teach' me, James? That sounds a bit queer, don't you th--mmm!"  
  
James leaned forward and pressed against Sirius in a rushed, awkward kiss. Sirius' eyes widened, and he squirmed more, being held down firmly. When he began to struggle, James slammed him a bit hard on the desk. He kissed him long and hard, and finally withdrew. Sirius gasped.  
  
"James!" He swallowed and licked his lips. "Wh....what...."  
  
"Ah." James shushed him by holding up a hand. Then, he touched the side of Sirius' face. "Do you understand now, Black? Does it still have nothing to do with sex? Is love still so innocent? Or has your childish view changed? Do you want more, Sirius? Or are you truly innocent?"  
  
"I...." Sirius stared at him, mouth slightly ajar. James' taste was still on his lips, and his breath grazed his face, brushing wisps of his black hair aside. Then, he felt something he had never felt before....he wanted James. He wanted to kiss him again, to feel his body press over his as he leaned on him. He wanted to be in his arms. Sirius' eyes sparkled with confused tears. "I...."  
  
Sirius crumbled beneath him and began to cry. James watched him with interest. He'd never really seen Sirius cry before, only perhaps once when they were twelve and had had a fight. James lifted his head, satisfied.  
  
"You do want more," he observed. "Now you understand."  
  
"I never thought about it before, I swear, James," Sirius sniffled pathetically. "I-I don't....I don't know why, I just...."  
  
"No reason to cry, Black," James said softly. He was stroking Sirius' cheek. "Hey, hey. Shh. I told you, love is entire, innocent and dirty. Do you understand now? Do you understand how I feel about Lilly, why it's got to be her?"  
  
Sirius looked up at him. "Only her?" He looked horrified. "So that was...."  
  
"Just a lesson, Sirius. Understand?"  
  
But Sirius' bottom lip was quivering; he did not understand. James quickly realized he'd made a grave mistake. He climbed back off of Sirius slowly.  
  
"Oh.....oh, you.....you don't understand," he commented. He laughed nervously. "Of course, I'm so stupid....What did I think? I'd teach you about love and then abandon you? Course not.....no, I've made an adult out of a child, and now everything's complicated, isn't it?"  
  
Sirius sat up on the edge of the desk, looking at James. Despite some shame on his face, his eyes were different, hungry. The pink in his cheeks from the thrill of the kiss remained, making him look like a little boy suddenly. James sighed.  
  
"You understand it all right," James observed. "But now you feel about me....the way I feel about Lilly...."  
  
Sirius was runnin his little pink tongue over his lips. "Does it have to be Lilly?" he finally asked. "Only Lilly? Don't you love me, James? You kissed me. And for you to kiss another man, you must feel something strong."  
  
"I was just trying....." James shook his head. He'd been angry and had taken it out on Sirius, but of course he couldn't say that. "Of course I love you, old chap," he joked. "You're just not exactly the one I'd like to settle down and have children with, if it's all the same to you."  
  
"You know that isn't what I want, James."  
  
James shifted on his feet. "What is it you want, Sirius?"  
  
Sirius hopped off the desk, his impressive height showing now. "Teach me more, James."  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
Sirius nodded. James got that worried/sympathetic expression again.  
  
"You know I'll always love Evans, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Sirius went up to him. "But love me too, James. I don't care if it's different, I....." He frowned. "Well, you started it!"  
  
"I did, didn't I?" James said softly. He looked at Sirius, their faces level. "You'd really want to be with me? Wouldn't mind being a queer?"  
  
"I'd be anything for you, you know that, James," Sirius said with a smile.  
  
Perhaps out of pity or gratitude, James kissed him again. He grabbed Sirius by the front of his shirt and pulled him closer. Sirius' heart was racing; girls and girls, but he'd never felt quite like this before. It was the ultimate rebellion, it was with his only true friend.....he could not describe how ecstatic he felt as James led him by the shirt into the kiss, towards the back of the room.  
  
"All right, then," James said as he pulled out of the kiss. He tossed Sirius onto the bed. "I'm not too keen on how it's done with a guy, but....I guess we'll figure it out, won't we?"  
  
Sirius landed on his stomach, and looked over his shoulder at James. James had climbed over him, and was looking at him like a stalking cat. He kissed Sirius fiercely, and began stroking his arm.  
  
"What do you like, Black?" he asked. "Hmm? You like to be petted?" His hand slid further down. "Or maybe something harder?" He squeezed his friend, and heard him give a startled yelp. James laughed. "Come off it. I'm sure you've been groped before." He unzipped Sirius' pants and slid them down. "Take off your shirt," he ordered then.  
  
Sirius quickly obeyed. For once, he was silent, trembling. James' hesitance was lost to curiosity; he'd never seen Sirius so vulnerable and timid before. It was pleasing to know he could have such an effect on someone so strong, so bold.  
  
James sat back when Sirius was completely undressed, surveying him for a moment. If he had to be with a man, he was glad it was him. His long body was already filling out with muscle at fifteen, and he looked quite strong even with his very fair complexion. His skin was smooth like ivory, a nice contrast to his wild, black hair and dangerous eyes. Beautiful. Somehow, he managed to look handsome and beautiful simultaneously, all the time his face boyishly cute still. The bruises on his long legs and slightly rounded bottom had healed by now, James noticed. He smiled and leaned close over Sirius, licking his neck.  
  
"You don't know what to do, do you?" Sirius chuckled. "Looks like the teacher needs to figure out a lesson plan."  
  
"Should be easy enough." James smirked and groped him again. "You've got a lot to work with."  
  
Sirius blushed. "So I hear," he said, smirking as well. He lifted James' shirt off and bit into his neck, grinning and then melting into veracious kisses. His arms encircled James' body, and he also wrapped his legs around him. The two kissed and wound their bodies into one, rolling over this way and that. Finally, they fell to the floor, both laughing.  
  
"You are a wild one," James chuckled. "You're a big, beautiful dog of a boy, aren't you?"  
  
"Mmm....makes sense, doesn't it?" Sirius replied, on hand and knee over James, kissing him. "It's my Animagus, after all...."  
  
"Yes, and you live up to it. Now." He gave Sirius a great smack on his upper thigh. "Get over there on your knees."  
  
Sirius just laughed as he crawled off of James. He felt James sit up behind him, and begin to position him.  
  
"Always the leader," he commented. "You'll scare Evans if you take this approach."  
  
"No, mate, this approach is solely for you," James replied. He tousled Sirius' hair. "My faithful pet." He moved Sirius' legs a bit. "I wish I could use magic," he mourned, "I'd twist you into so many positions...."  
  
"You'll be able to in the summer," Sirius pointed out. He arched his back up a bit.  
  
"That's true. Now...." James looked him over, running a hand up and down his leg. "Let's see if I can get a few screams out of you, Black."  
  
He pushed into Sirius, and got more than a few screams. Sirius hollered loudly despite himself, and James clamped a hand over his mouth. "Easy, easy," he hushed him, his other hand grabbing one of Sirius' arms and holding it behind his back to keep him close. "Just getting started, Black."  
  
Sirius nodded, but gave a muffled cry ["Mmmmm!"] as James went into him again. He kicked his leg, overcome by an odd wave of both pain and pleasure. He didn't even notice James bruising his arm as he held it tightly behind his back. He was kicking and trying to shout, James' hand stifling his cries, firmly clasped over his mouth. James released his arm and half of him collapsed against the floor, but James held him on his knees, sliding a hand under his stomach to hold him up.  
  
"Noisy one, Sirius," James told him, breathing hard. "I suppose the dog has never been dogged before?"  
  
Sirius shook his head, tears glittering on his face now. James only laughed, a bit coldly. Sirius shut his eyes, encased in the wonderful pain. He felt dirty, part of him, used. But he didn't mind at all; in fact, he liked the idea of being used by James. He wanted James to use him for everything. He'd never imagined he'd one day give even his body to his friend, but it was a great feeling. It all just felt so good....  
  
And then James finally released him. Sirius, still crying out, fell onto his side, curled up a little. He writhed in an ecstatic discomfort until James touched his face. He looked up at him, and smiled wearily.  
  
"James...."  
  
James sat up, pulling Sirius into his arms. He caressed and kissed the youth's sticky, sweet body. Sirius melted into his arms, warm and happy.  
  
"We'll go longer next time," James breathed, kissing Sirius' face.  
  
"There'll be a 'next time', James?" Sirius asked hopefully.  
  
"Yeah. Why not?" James replied, stroking his hair.  
  
"Good." Sirius kissed him. "Mmm.....but I suppose things'll be different after this...."  
  
"Why would they be?" James sat Sirius up in his arms. "The only thing that's going to change between us is I'll be working you over every now and then. Nothing else."  
  
"It won't be awkward?"  
  
"Not at all."  
  
Sirius smiled and leaned his head against James' chest. "I love you, James."  
  
James drew a breath and let it out. He could not bring himself to say the same, so instead he kissed Sirius' head and nuzzled his face in his hair. Sirius did not even notice his lack of a response.  
  
End of Chapter One 


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two: Look to the Future ~I'm Forever in the Past~  
  
The candlelight flickered in the bedroom of 12 Grimauld Place. By now, Sirius was lying on his back on the bed, staring at the ceiling with sparkling eyes. For the first time in a while, there was a soft smile on his face. Remus sat beside him still, drawing a breath.  
  
"Wow," he said. "James said you'd slept together, but he never said...."  
  
Sirius sat up. "He told you?"  
  
Remus nodded. "Well, it was when he got together with Lilly," he explained. "After you two had that fight."  
  
"Oh yeah..." Sirius flopped back down. "That fight...." He looked at Remus. "What did he say to you about it?"  
  
"Well.....I suppose I should finally tell you about it. So....let's go back to that day....you start. I've forgotten why you two started fighting."  
  
"Ah yeah....let's see now...."  
*  
  
"It was just a day like any other in my seventh year. I was a bit angry because I was alone. You and Pete were doing homework, and James was on a date with Lilly. So, I decided to hunt down old Snivellus or some other Slytherin and have some fun. I didn't find Snape, that git, but I did run into some little Slytherin first years. So, I started hexing the little spawns as usual...."  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
Sirius, seventeen now and more dashing than ever, turned. His robes brushed around his lithe, strong body, and his hair fell over his eyes. His wand remained pointed at an upside-down first year who was shrieking. Storming towards him was Lilly, followed by James.  
  
"Well, if it isn't Head Boy and Girl," Sirius said with a grin. His voice had deepened, and was as manly as his body. However, his face retained a boyish mischief to it.  
  
"Sirius, how many times do I have to tell you?" Lilly fumed. "Stop picking on people for no reason!"  
  
"Come off it, Evans, you know I'll never stop," Sirius said loosely. "The little buggers deserve it. Besides, James may be bond by the responsibilities of Head Boy, but I'm not. So, if you'd just step aside and leave me to my business...."  
  
"I will not step aside!" Lilly exclaimed. "Put that boy down!"  
  
James came up to the scene. He grinned at Sirius, but then his smile melted as he turned his eyes on Lilly. She was deeply upset.  
  
"Come on, James," Sirius said. "Tell her to back off. I'm going to levitate this one up to the ceiling so Peeves can get 'im!"  
  
Lilly turned on James. She said nothing, but her green eyes were blazing. James' resolve began to wan, and Sirius shifted on his feet anxiously.  
  
"Well? Tell her, James!"  
  
James turned to Lilly. "I'll take care of this, Lilly. You go on ahead."  
  
"James, I...." Lilly sighed. She touched his hand. "I'm trusting you, James. Okay?"  
  
And she left. Sirius cackled evilly.  
  
"Now let's have some fun, eh?!" he laughed. He went to raise his wand, but James put a hand on his arm. He looked at James. His friend's face was stern.  
  
"Now that's enough," James said strictly. "Put the wand and the first year down, Sirius."  
  
Sirius looked as if he'd been struck clear across the face. "Come again?"  
  
"Put him down, Sirius, now."  
  
Sirius slowly lowered the kid, who ran away in tears, and faced James.  
  
"James, what...what's gotten into you?" he asked in confusion. "Lilly's gone! She'd never have known..."  
  
"Didn't you hear what she said?" James asked. "She trusts me, Sirius. I got to live up to her expectations sometime, don't I?"  
  
"But...."  
  
James shoved a slip into Sirius' hand. "You'll have to serve detention, old friend," he said gravely.  
  
"What? Detention?!" Sirius exclaimed angrily. "Are you mad?! You can't put me in detention!"  
  
James' eyes were hurting, but he stuck to his grounds. "I'm afraid I just have."  
  
Sirius tore the paper into a dozen pieces and flung it at James. "Who d'you think you are suddenly?!" he snapped. "Head Boy gives you the right to turn on your friends, does it?! Being Lilly's boyfriend justifies being a traitor?!"  
  
"I'm not being a traitor, Sirius," James said, irked. "I don't want to punish you, Sirius, but Lilly and the whole school are trusting me to keep the rules."  
  
"It's not the school or the rules, and you know it!" Sirius argued. "It's Lilly! She's trying to change you, James! You shouldn't have to change yourself just to be with her!"  
  
"Well, maybe I want to change!" James retorted. "Yes, that's right! Maybe I actually want to grow up, to be the man she sees in me instead of always being the boy you want me to stay!"  
  
Sirius gaped at him. "What are you saying?"  
  
"I'm saying I have to grow up, Sirius," James said quietly. "I know it'll spoil some of your fun, but....I want this. I like being Head Boy, I like being more responsible. Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes, I understand," seethed Sirius. "You're going to ruin everything, leave me, leave everyone just for that Lilly! Just to make that Mudblood happy!"  
  
James swelled with fury and gave Sirius a crack on the side of his face. Sirius flew to the side, hit the wall, and clutched his cheek. James shut his eye and turned his face, hating himself for this.  
  
"I'm sorry," Sirius mumbled, standing up straight. "I didn't mean that...."  
  
"I know you didn't, Sirius," James said softly. He swallowed hard, unable to look at him.  
  
Sirius lowered his head, hair falling over his eyes. "I.....I'm sorry."  
  
James turned to him just in time to catch the tears falling from Sirius' eyes. He reached out to him, but Sirius shot off down the hall, kicking at and hexing whomever crossed his path.  
  
"I found James like that."  
  
"You were there right then, Remus?"  
  
"Yes. I was on my way to the library, and I saw him hit you and you run off. I was shocked, more shocked than I'd ever been, I think. I ran up to him immediately...."  
  
"James!"  
  
James turned. His eyes were distant and his face was lined with pain. Remus, looking angry, stalked up to him.  
  
"What was all that?" he asked. "Why'd you hit him?"  
  
"He insulted Lilly, I--"  
  
"Well, of course he insulted Lilly!" Remus exclaimed. "Haven't you seen him this year? He's miserable! He feels betrayed, like you've ditched him for Lilly. I'm not saying his lashing out at her is right, but you didn't have to hit him for it! For God's sake, James, he's been depressed enough this year!"  
  
James stared at Remus. Remus stood his ground, his still childish face angry. His light brown hair was bristled, as it tended to do when he was upset.  
  
"You're right," James said quietly. "You're absolutely right, Remus. You always are."  
  
"So-so go and apologize to him," Remus said. "He's probably off in a corner somewhere, crying. I know he's strong, but he crumbles without you."  
  
"He does." James shook his head. "But I can't go to him. Not yet. He needs some time to get over this, and then I have to....I have to let him go completely."  
  
"You're going to ditch him for real?!" Remus squeaked incredulously.  
  
"No, you don't.....Ah, Remus, you don't understand," James sighed. "I've been misleading him, Remus, misleading him for years. We've slept together, Remus."  
  
Remus' eyes widened. "You've been.....all these years?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How could you?" Remus gasped. "James, how could you do that to him? You've always loved Lilly! Bringing someone else into your romantic life, you had to know one of them would be hurt one day! How could you be so cruel?!"  
  
"I didn't mean to, Remus!" James exclaimed. "I was trying to show him why I was so depressed when Lilly rejected me, what true love is! I didn't think he'd....fall in true love with me....I didn't mean to hurt him, Remus."  
  
"But you did, and now he's really in pain," Remus said quietly. "James, I.....I don't know what to say...."  
  
"You go to him, Remus," James said suddenly. "Go to him, comfort him. He needs you, now that he can't have me. You need to fill that hole in him, Remus."  
  
"Me?" Remus asked, eyes even wider. "I could never take your place in his eyes, you know that, James!"  
  
"I know, but....he needs someone, Remus," James said. He put a hand on Remus' shoulder. "Please. Promise me right here. Promise me you'll take care of him when I can't. Okay, Remus?"  
  
"I.....James, I don't know if I--"  
  
"Promise me, Remus," James said.  
  
"All right." Remus lifted his chin bravely. "All right, I promise."  
  
*  
  
"I never knew that," Sirius said now, lying on his side on the bed in his old bedroom. He propped himself up on his elbow. "That's why you were the one to tell me James was sorry....."  
  
Remus nodded. "I promised him I'd always take care of you, Sirius," he said softly. He put a hand on Sirius' shoulder, looking down at him. "And I meant it. Remember that night?"  
  
"Yeah....I certainly do...."  
  
*  
  
"I swear, I was dying. Not physically, but the pain of having to 'move on' from the Marauder days was killing me inside. And I felt bad. I hated myself for not just being happy for Lilly and James. But I couldn't help it. I wanted James for myself, and I knew I could never have him entirely again...."  
  
CRASH!  
  
As he approached the boys' dormitories, Remus stopped short in the hall. He'd been looking for Sirius all day since witnessing his fight with James, and now he was certain where he was. He broke into a run, up the stairs, and to the dorms. Peter Pettigrew was trembling outside the dorm room.  
  
"What's going on?" Remus asked him, though he had a rough idea of the situation.  
  
"S-Sirius has been in there for an hour," replied the watery-eyed Pettigrew. He flinched at the sound of another crash. "He's been destroying the room, but everyone is too scared of him to get a teacher."  
  
"Oh, for the love of....here." Remus handed Pettigrew his books and parchments. "Watch these."  
  
"You're not going in there, Remus?!"  
  
"Someone's got to," Remus sighed. He gripped his wand and burst into the room. Sure enough, Sirius was there, and he was more than destroying the room. Remus gaped at the sight; parchment, quills, and ink were scattered around the floor, all the beds were undone, curtains had been torn down, clothing had flown everywhere, and there in the middle of it all was Sirius, tearing up one of James' pictures of Lilly. Remus frowned deeply, hating senseless mess and destruction. "SIRIUS!"  
  
Sirius turned. Now Remus saw why Pettigrew was scared; Sirius' eyes were blazing with rage and sorrow, a very deadly mix in such a person. His tall frame seemed even taller in his anger, and his robes barely hid his strong body. But Remus stood his ground.  
  
"What d'you think you're doing?" he asked sternly, a tone being a past prefect had made him perfect. "Look at this place! Sirius! You know, you're not the only one who lives here!"  
  
Sirius just flung the pieces of Lilly's picture at him. "Go away, Remus," he said warningly. "I've had enough with rules today."  
  
"It's your own fault for breaking them," Remus replied, stepping over books. "Look at this, just look at it! Are you mad?! I know you're upset, but it's no reason to--"  
  
"Remus, don't make me hex you!" Sirius roared, pointing his wand. "I will, Remus, I swear I will! Stop yapping and leave me alone!"  
  
"So go ahead and hex me, because I'm not leaving!" Remus shouted back. "I have taken and taken everything you and James have ever done! Well, I'm sick of it! I'm sorry you're both having problems, but it's no reason to take it out on everyone! This is not just your room, Siri--Expelliarmus!"  
  
Remus blasted Sirius' wand out of his hands just as he was about to hex him. Remus caught Sirius' wand in his free hand and crossed his arms.  
  
"You really were going to hex me," he said crossly. "Sirius, this has to stop."  
  
Sirius mimicked him in a nasty, childish voice. Then, he kicked aside a planner on the floor ["You sadistic underachiever!" it shrieked at him].  
  
"Don't make fun of me," Remus said angrily. He pointed his wand at Sirius. "Don't make fun of me, Sirius."  
  
"Look, Remus, this isn't any of your business," Sirius said. "It's between me and James. So just....just go, Remus."  
  
"It's not between you and James anymore," Remus said quietly. He shut the door behind himself. "Sirius, James....I spoke to James earlier. I saw the argument."  
  
"So what? Doesn't mean you understand it," Sirius retorted. "I don't care what you saw. You couldn't possibly--"  
  
"I know you've been sleeping with him, Sirius!" Remus burst out.  
  
Sirius froze. ".....What?"  
  
"I know you've been sleeping with James, he told me." Remus said slowly. "He also told me he's sorry he hit you, and that.....that...."  
  
"That what?" Sirius grabbed Remus by the front of his robes. The anger had gone, and he was eager only to hear James' words. "What else did he say?!"  
  
"That....." Remus turned his face. "That it's over, Sirius. He's letting you go."  
  
"What?" Sirius' eyes went wide with shock.  
  
"Not as a friend!" Remus said quickly. "But....as a lover, I suppose. I told him....I told him how cruel, how.....but....he didn't.....Sirius, I'm so..."  
  
Sirius looked broken. He pushed Remus away and turned his back on him. Remus stood anxiously, looking at the floor.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sirius," he said softly. "Really...."  
  
Sirius was silent, staring out the window now. Remus hesitated, more fearful of Sirius' silence than his rants. Finally, he placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder.  
  
"I told him to tell you himself," he explained, "but he wants to give it some time. You've both known it would happen since it began, he said, but....making it real seems to be proving much harder than he expected. I suppose it's harder for you as well. Sirius?"  
  
"Hard?" Sirius gave a bitter laugh. "Oh yes, hard. Honestly, Remus, your habit of understating things is getting worse."  
  
"Sorry....I...just...." Remus sighed. He didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," he finally apologized, "that it has to be me saying all these things, and not James."  
  
"Me too."  
  
Remus frowned a little. "But, Sirius, you.....he's still one of us, isn't he? He's still a Marauder, and there's also Peter and....and me...." He nodded. "I'll be here for you, Sirius."  
  
Sirius made a small, disdainful sound. "Like James was? I don't think so, Remus...."  
  
"Please let me help, Sirius. I hate seeing you in pain. I've never seen you hurt before, and I....I don't like it." He squeezed Sirius' shoulder. "Let me....help. I know what it's like, being alone, you know. I've always....been alone. Romantically, anyway."  
  
"It isn't just that," Sirius said, sounding irritated. He turned to Remus. "It isn't just sleeping with him! It's him! He's changing! He's changing, and I hate it!"  
  
"He's becoming a man, Sirius, we all are," Remus said gently.  
  
"Doesn't mean we have to become old men," Sirius scoffed.  
  
Remus laughed. "We're not! We'll still hang out and have fun. Just imagine the bachelor party we'll throw James! And who d'you think he'll pick for best man, eh? And think of his children, playing with them. We have a long, happy future ahead as friends, Sirius. All of us."  
  
Sirius smiled a little. "You think?"  
  
"I know it." Remus touched his face. "Besides, no matter what....you've got me still."  
  
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Got you, do I? And in how many ways, I wonder...."  
  
Remus drew a breath. He'd never really considered himself to be in love with Sirius, and he knew Sirius could never love him the way he loved James. But if James didn't want him.....well, why not step in? After all, Sirius was a dear friend, and so dashing. Remus himself had never had even a girlfriend; even though his being a werewolf was a secret, people always sensed something different about him, and tended to keep their distance. If Sirius wanted him, he'd be more than happy to sleep with him.  
  
"In any ways you want, Sirius," Remus replied slowly.  
  
"Any ways I want," Sirius echoed distantly. He exhaled. "Remus, you don't have to be this way....I'm calm, okay?" He lay down on his bed, slinging an arm over his eyes. "I've stopped destroying things, see? You don't have to go through all this...say all this....sleep with me..."  
  
"I'm not saying these things just to calm you, Sirius," Remus said. "I mean it."  
  
"No, you....you feel sorry for me," Sirius replied. "I don't need someone's charity, I need.....a miracle."  
  
"Miracle?"  
  
"James to forget Lilly and come back to me."  
  
"That would be a miracle." Remus sat on the bed beside Sirius. "But I don't think it'll happen, Sirius."  
  
"It won't. Don't you think I know that?" Sirius looked up at Remus, black hair spilling around his face and over the pillow. "But it's not for you to step in. I don't need charity. Besides, no one....no one but James could ever...." He moved his arm over his eyes again. "I didn't mean this, you know. He kissed me for no more reason than to prove a point. A 'lesson', he said. And I asked him to show me more, to be with me.....even though he told me he'd always love Lilly, even though I knew he'd one day marry Lilly. But what did I care? It was some far-off day he was speaking of, didn't matter in the present. I wanted him, he didn't mind having me, and so we went on with it. And somewhere along the way, I....I don't know...I must have fallen in love with him."  
  
Remus was absently stroking and playing with Sirius' fine black hair. "Can't help who you fall in love with," he said softly. "Sadly, true love doesn't always go both ways."  
  
"Yes, and James is too straight to fall in love with another man," Sirius sighed. "I thought I was the same, but apparently not...."  
  
Remus smiled a little. "It's all right. Like I said, no one can help who they fall in love with. Besides, you always follow your heart. You've never been one to care about the rules or what's expected of you."  
  
Sirius laughed, moving his arm up to his forehead. "That's true, that's true...."  
  
"It's your best quality." Remus touched Sirius' face. "And your worst."  
  
"How fortunate," Sirius said cynically. He sat up and stretched his arms lazily. "Ahhh....Remus.....I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore."  
  
"Then don't think about anything for a while," Remus replied. "Just....just try and relax a bit, let it all sink in subconsciously."  
  
"Yeah, I guess it's best," Sirius said wearily. He then tousled Remus' hair. "How'd a werewolf get so sensitive, eh?"  
  
Remus smoothed his hair down. "Animal intuition, I suppose," he joked.  
  
Their gaze met.  
  
"Oh yeah, I remember all that now. You certainly moved in quickly..."  
  
"I don't know what even came over me. I guess....too many years spent alone, admiring you....And you were so miserable then, I wanted to make you smile, make you carefree again...."  
  
Remus moved his face forward and gave Sirius a short but sweet kiss on the side of the mouth. Sirius' face lit with surprise. Remus pulled away quickly, blushing a dusty rose in his cheeks and looking at his hands.  
  
"What was.....all that then?" Sirius asked, though he was starting to smile a little.  
  
"I'm sorry," Remus said quickly. "I shouldn't have.....I mean...."  
  
Sirius tilted Remus' face up by the chin. "You're a fast one, aren't you?"  
  
"It isn't that, it's.....I want to....I want to take care of you now," Remus explained. "I thought it might be....too much trouble for me, or.....or maybe a waste of time or work, but......but now I want to. Let me, Sirius."  
  
"Just like that, all of a sudden?"  
  
"Just like that."  
  
Sirius seemed to accept this; he moved in and kissed Remus, a real kiss this time. Remus was taken aback, but quickly found his own his courage and kissed back. Sirius took him into his arms, and lay back. Remus fell atop him, locked in their kiss. His hands went to Sirius' robes, and he began unbuttoning them, at the same time feeling Sirius tearing his robes off.  
  
"Sirius, you're going to break my clothes!" he breathed.  
  
"Good."  
  
He continued tearing Remus' uniform off, until Remus was only in pants, all his clothes hanging off. Remus had removed his robes, and lay over him, kissing his neck.  
  
"So what's next?" Sirius finally asked.  
  
"You're asking me?" Remus asked, lifting his face from his neck.  
  
"Well, yes, I--oh. I'm sorry." Sirius gave a nervous grin. "You said you'd take James' place, but I guess he didn't tell you everything, did he?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"James was always the leader," Sirius explained. He pinched Remus. "The one on top."  
  
"Ow! On top of you?!" Remus asked, eyes wide.  
  
Sirius laughed. "Well, of course me! Who else was he on top of? Snape, you think?" He cracked up.  
  
Remus blushed. "I meant that......I didn't think anyone could top you."  
  
"I'll take that as a compliment, mate." He exhaled. "All right, then. Here we go, let's reverse this."  
  
He rolled Remus over and then knelt over him. Remus hit the pillows and sheets, his brown hair falling around his face. He smiled a bit anxiously. "Sirius....If-if you don't want it this way...."  
  
"No, it's fine, I always thought you'd be a bit fun to....heh heh...." He trailed off into a goofy grin. "Anyway...." He ran a hand over Remus' chest. "You're a bit thin, you know...."  
  
"You try becoming a beast once every month...." Remus blushed, pulling his robes over himself.  
  
"No, no, I didn't mean it in a bad way!" Sirius tore the robes away and threw them to the floor. "You're beautiful, like a girl almost...."  
  
Remus raised his eyebrows. He'd never thought of himself as being effeminate before. But Sirius seemed to like this, because he kissed Remus passionately then. Remus smiled, enjoying the warmth and sweetness of the kiss; Sirius had been drinking butterbeer, and Dumbledore only knew where he'd gotten it.  
  
Sirius slid a long, strong arm behind Remus' waist, and propped him up; their bodies pressed tightly against one another. Remus shut his eyes, exhaling as their heartbeats intermingled. He gave a small cry as they came closer.  
  
"Not quite used to feeling a guy against you, are you?" Sirius said in amusement, glancing up at Remus' scarlet face.  
  
"I'm not used to.....to anyone...."  
  
"Oh, don't go on and tell me you're a virgin," Sirius laughed, his hands squeezing Remus' bottom hard.  
  
"I-I am," Remus stammered, drawing another deep breath.  
  
"Really? No wonder you're trembling," Sirius said, knowing but uncaring. He slid down Remus' underpants until they were at his ankles. "You've got a cute arse..."  
  
"Sirius, please!"  
  
"What?" Sirius laughed, swatting him. "I've talked worse than this to girls!"  
  
Remus, shaking and frowning nervously, just looked at him. He laughed and ruffled his hair again, and then leaned his face down and bit Remus' bottom. Remus yelped, but was ignored and pushed down on the bed. He lay on his back, gazing at the ceiling and not knowing what to feel; he was a bit scared now, but he wanted to go ahead, and beneath the fear was a pleasure he'd never known until now. He gasped, frightened by how his body was melting into Sirius', moving as if on its own accord. And Sirius, he seemed to be all over him, his long legs wrapped against him, his arms sliding up and down his body, his hands seeming to squeeze and caress everywhere at once. Remus nuzzled his face in Sirius' hair as Sirius licked his chest.  
  
Then, Sirius wrapped Remus' legs around his waist, and kissed him. Remus kissed him back, but suddenly gave a muffled cry. Sirius held him in the kiss, shushing him, but Remus turned his face and gave a loud yell.  
  
"Shhh!" Sirius said, though he didn't stop moving into him. "Shh! Quiet! We're in school, you git!"  
  
"Agghhh! Oh, Sirius!" Remus buried his face in Sirius' shoulder. "Mmmmm......"  
  
"You're as loud as I was that time," Sirius commented.  
  
"You screamed?" Remus managed to ask, wincing.  
  
"Oh yeah...."  
  
And suddenly, Remus felt a pang of jealousy towards James. All those years, having Sirius to himself, using him and knowing he'd discard him one day.....He didn't deserve Sirius. Remus could love him forever, he could be there for him always, and he only had him now, as they neared graduation. And why? Because James had been there first. Remus frowned a little, still gasping.  
  
"Shhh!" Sirius shushed him as he cried out again. "You sound like a little kid! They're going to think I'm torturing a first year or something...."  
  
"I can't help it," Remus cried. "Sirius.....I-I.....I love you...."  
  
"Well, that's something to say...."  
  
Remus screamed again, and Sirius released him. Remus was in such blind ecstasy, he fell right to the floor, still gasping Sirius' name. Sirius sat on the bed, smiling a little, and then lay on his stomach and leaned half off the bed, reaching out to touch Remus' face. And he found himself echoing James' words from their first time:  
  
"We'll go longer next time."  
  
"Ah...ah....." Remus just smiled, not even speaking. He leaned up and kissed Sirius. Sirius swooped him up into his arms and pulled him back onto the bed. Once he was there, Remus pounced atop Sirius, kissing him veraciously. "Love me, Sirius!" he demanded breathlessly. "Forget James and love me!"  
  
Sirius was a bit surprised, and lay rather helplessly beneath Remus' assault of wet kisses on his neck and chest and face. Remus, on hand and knee over him, had more energy than he'd thought. He went into a frenzy of kissing and licking, and even bit Sirius' neck a few times. He pulled Sirius' long arms around his own thin body, tugging Sirius up until they both fell back in the sheets.  
  
"You are a wolf!" Sirius laughed joyfully.  
  
They became a squirming tangle in the sheets for a long while. But then, before they could do anything, the door to the room burst open.  
  
"Remus! Sirius! Peter said you've been killing him in here! Sirius, I know you're mad at me, but it has nothing to do with-- oh!"  
  
James Potter had rushed in, and stopped dead in front of Sirius' bed. Sirius and Remus, barely having any time to hide anything, had pulled the sheets over themselves. Sirius sat with the sheet over his lap, and Remus sat on his lap, a blanket wrapped around his lower torso. Sirius just met James' gaze evenly; Remus was trembling again, huddled against him.  
  
"I see....neither of you waste much time," James commented, eyes wide.  
  
"Expected me to sit around and wait to be ditched, mate?" Sirius asked coolly. He hugged Remus to his side.  
  
Remus just gave James an apologetic shrug. James nodded understandingly, and then looked at Sirius again. It hurt him a bit, but he hid it. "Well.....right. I'll let you two, er....clean up, then....before I bring Peter in." And he turned on his heels and left.  
  
Sirius' eyes narrowed. "....."  
  
"You wanted him to be jealous, didn't you?" Remus said knowingly.  
  
"Remus, stop being so intuitive, and go clean up," Sirius said in exasperation. He emphasized every word by giving Remus a hard smack on the bottom as he crawled away.  
  
"Ow!" He looked over his shoulder at Sirius with a cute scowl.  
  
"Get going." Sirius prodded Remus' bottom with his foot.  
  
"Oh, fine." Remus climbed off the bed, snatching up his clothing from the floor. He dressed hurriedly and began zapping everything back into place. "You could help, you know. You destroyed this room by yourself before I came along."  
  
"In a minute," Sirius said lazily. He jumped off the bed and got dressed at leisure. "Back to being a prefect, I see," he told Remus. He grinned and put his arms around Remus' waist. "l always wanted to do a prefect."  
  
"Nghh.....Sirius, get away," Remus sighed. His head was pulled back and Sirius kissed him. "Mmmm......mm....but we have to pick up now!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Sirius released him and crossed his arms. "Don't get too bossy, kid. I've always wanted to spank a prefect, so you ought to watch yourself."  
  
"Hmph." Remus zapped the sheets clean and then into place. "I've always thought you could use one yourself," he replied coolly, glancing at Sirius, "so perhaps you ought to watch yourself."  
  
Sirius' eyes widened. He gave a surprised laugh. "Oh ho ho! Getting bold now, are you?"  
  
"I am a wolf, like you said."  
  
Sirius laughed more. Then, he said, "But don't you ever dare try it."  
  
Remus only smirked. "We'll see." He shook his head, zapping more things into place. "But never mind. No matter who's on top or doing what, Sirius......." He turned to him. "I will always be there for you."  
  
"You mean that?"  
  
"I promise."  
  
Sirius kissed him.  
  
"Now let's get everything back to normal before the whole school storms in here!"  
  
*  
  
Remus, still playing with Sirius' hair all these years later, was staring off into space and smiling fondly. Sirius' head was lying on his lap now, and he began stroking his face. Sirius shifted.  
  
"Wish you'd been there for me in Azkaban," he muttered. "Could've used you there...."  
  
"....Tell me."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tell me about Azkaban."  
  
Sirius looked up at Remus. His eyes had hardened, gone hollow.  
  
"I'd rather not," he mumbled, grabbing a pillow and burying his face in it. "How could I even describe it? Being shuffled into those cold halls by all these thug guards, being slammed up alone in a cell, being hit and broken repeatedly by the guards....simply because they could. And the Dementors....always the Dementors....touching with those fingers.....I kept telling myself I'd be free. Sometimes my mind was so lost, I'd tell myself James was coming to save me. Sometimes, I thought you'd be there for me.....to save me...." His entire body trembled. "The only thing that got me through those times, Remus.....were the memories of James....of you....of all those times....so how can you tell me to forget them now, Remus? How can you ask that of me when they're all I have?"  
  
Remus was absently stroking Sirius' long hair again, staring at him with sorrow in his eyes. "I'm not telling you to forget them, Sirius," he said gently. "I'm just saying to....think about the future now. Think about when this war ends, when we're together again. Think about being a godfather to Harry, loving him for who he is, not for who his father was. Think about me, being with me with no worries looming overhead, being free....just us to love each other. Think about the memories we will make, Sirius, all of us together."  
  
Sirius shook his head. "Not the same," came his muffled voice from the pillow.  
  
"No, not the same," Remus agreed, "but just as pleasant. Perhaps not as special, as thrilling, as romantic as youth, but....but still wonderful all the same. Sirius." Remus took Sirius' face in his hand and turned it from the pillow towards himself. "Look ahead, Sirius. Look at me and Harry and everyone still left, and find comfort in that now instead of the past."  
  
"Easier said than done, Lupin," Sirius sighed. He wiped his eyes on his arm, realizing he'd been crying.  
  
"I know, but you must try." Remus wiped tears from Sirius' face with his thumb. "For me, Sirius. For once in your crazy life, do something for me, eh?"  
  
"Well, I'll try, Lupin," Sirius sighed. "But I'm not making any promises."  
  
Remus smiled. "I wouldn't expect you to." He leaned forward and gave Sirius a small kiss on the lips. Then, he ran a hand through Sirius' shaggy hair. "Just try to make my job of taking care of you a little easier."  
  
Sirius laughed a little. "All right, Remus, all right. But you know," he sat up lazily, "I don't need to be taken care of."  
  
Remus looked at him wearily. "Of course not...."  
  
Sirius smiled. "Poor old Remus," he said. He leaned forward and kissed him smoothly.  
  
"Sirius...." Remus stroked his hair. But before he could say another word, Sirius collapsed onto his shoulder. "....Eh....Sirius?" Remus turned Sirius' face towards his own. Sirius had fallen asleep. Remus glanced around at all the empty bottles of fire whisky and other drinks and sighed. "Ahh....Sirius....typical of you."  
  
Remus heaved Sirius off his shoulder, holding him in a sitting position. Then, he very carefully lay him down in the bed. He removed his boots and his robes, leaving him in slacks and a shirt. He covered him with a blanket then, and kissed his forehead.  
  
"Try to rest calmly, Sirius," he said softly. He held Sirius' hand in his own tightly. "You're all I have...."  
  
*  
  
'You're all I have....'  
  
Months had passed since that lonely, dark night in Grimauld Place. Remus stood alone now in the very same room. His face was blank, eyes shining with tears. He stepped into the room stiffly, and shut his eyes. More tears fell, glittering on the floor.  
  
"Well, I've got nothing now, don't I?" he said, every word seeming to knife his heart. "The last real Marauder left, aren't I?" He shook his head, tears falling more. "It didn't have to be this way!" he cried. "Sirius! You were trying to save the future, weren't you? Trying to save Harry. You wanted to move on. You would have, I know it. Oh God...." Remus fell to his knees, hitting the ground with his fists. "My God! It could have been different, Sirius! Now what do I do? How can I look to the future without you?"  
  
Remus drew a shuddery breath, shoulders shaking violently. He sobbed heavily, as he hadn't in many, many years.  
  
"Who do I have now?!" he shouted. "Who do I have without you, Sirius?! I was depending on you, as much as you tried to depend on me! I needed you! Why'd you have to go and....and....." He sobbed and buried his face in his hands. "Why'd you die?! Why'd you leave me, Sirius?!" He sank back, leaning against the wall. "Who do I have? What am I? What am I but a ghost of the past? We all were, you, me, Snape....but at least you and I had each other. Who do I have now? What do I have but pain?!"  
  
He put his hand over his eyes. "Nothing, I've got nothing...Sirius...." He drew another breath. "But-but at least....oh God.....at least you're happy." He gazed out the window at the sky. "You're with James, aren't you?" He smiled a little, looking very tired. "You're with James again. I guess.....it couldn't have been any other way. You needed him." He laughed. "I bet you're telling him how you stood against the Death Eaters right now, telling him how you died protecting Harry.....how you've missed him all these years...." Remus exhaled, finally growing still. "Yes, you're happy. You're happy in a way neither Harry nor me ever could have made you. And I'm left.....left alone again....like when James died and you went to Azkaban.....alone...."  
  
From the doorway, there was a small sound.  
  
"Go ahead and come in," Remus said wearily.  
  
There were scuffling footsteps, and the swishing of robes. Remus sighed and nodded. "It figures," he muttered. He turned his gaze upward. "Severus."  
  
"We're going now," Snape said, looking down at Remus expressionlessly.  
  
"Yes." Remus stood up, wiping his eyes. "Right. Let's go."  
  
"...." Snape turned to leave, but Remus suddenly grabbed his shoulder. He looked back at him.  
  
"It's the end of an era, Severus," Remus told him. "So be happy or mourn, I don't know. Just stay alive, will you?"  
  
Snape raised his eyebrows, but didn't know what to say. He turned and stalked out of the room. Remus laughed and shook his head.  
  
"He'll be fine," he sighed. He looked back over the room. "And as for me, Sirius.....peace. You've got your peace, your happiness in death. I'll live without happiness, but with peace. There must be peace, Sirius. Or else time will turn and the circle will go on and on, hatred and hurt leading to more of the same. I've nothing to live for anymore but that peace. So, dear friend.....until we meet again.....I must occupy my mind with those ideals." He nodded. "Goodbye, Sirius. Goodbye to the...Marauders."  
  
And he left the room, shutting the door behind him, shutting the light from the hall out.  
  
"Rest in peace, Marauders."  
*  
  
"My Immortal"  
  
I'm so tired of being here  
  
Suppressed by all of my childish fears.  
  
And if you have to leave  
  
I wish that you would just leave  
  
Because your presence still lingers here  
  
And it won't leave me alone.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me  
  
You used to captivate me  
  
By your resonating light  
  
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
And though you're still with me  
  
I've been alone all along  
  
---Evanescence "Fallen"  
  
The End 


End file.
